What To Do When You Swallow a Bug

Spit. Always do an immediate spit. This might actually get rid of the bug. Next, blink your eyes rapidly and scrunch your face as if to ask your poorly assaulted self- did that really just happen to me? ME? Of course.

Give yourself a moment to think of all the ways you've been let down by the world and your life and the hard knocks of it all.

Now spit again! This time with a look of shock and bewilderment and a hint of taking it all very, very personally.

YES! You are being picked on by the bug world too!

Assault your tongue. Stick it out for the world to see. Then, with both hands, doggy paddle your tongue in effortless disgust.

That's right! Keep going!

Now gag. But not too much- as you are not convinced the bug has made its way into the lining of your stomach- just your throat.

Do a throaty gag. Do another throaty gag- but this time add in the simultaneous craning of the neck and head.

Now spit again. With a look of anger.

How dare you come inside my mouth? Spit! Nasty useless *#$#@%# bug. SPIT! YOU ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN and I DESPISE YOU. SPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!

Now look around.

If there is a person, act as though nothing dramatic or out of the ordinary has happened.  Calmly say, "Wow, I hate it when that happens."And give that person your cutest, most sane smile. The smile really needs to reflect that you are a person at peace. So try to relax those forehead muscles and bulging neck veins (you know from the craning and gagging) and give them the sweetest smile you have. I am normal. I really am. Try and communicate this. Slightly shrug your shoulders and do a subtle closed-mouth smile. This gives you a little more cute factor.

If there isn't a person around, say a quick prayer of gratitude. No one saw your insanity as you raged against the poor, helpless, dying bug in your mouth.

Continue with life. And if you're real adventurous and scientific and trapped in a grown up body with your 6-year-old mind...

Keep an eye out for it. The bug that is.

When you see it say a little eulogy-

and flush.

*Inspired by the bug episode I may, or may not, have just had on my front porch while sipping coffee and reading Chaucer.

** I've never read Chaucer in my life. I am actually going to have to Google him to make sure he was a writer and that I am spelling his name correctly. *** Definitely pretend to be reading a smart book or doing something very sophisticated after the bug episode. This goes a long way for people- trust me. **** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geoffrey_Chaucer BOOM! He was the Father of English! Heck yeah I was reading Chaucer!