The Snots

Annie's first trip to Chicago...

Annie has the snots.

She will be six months old tomorrow and this is the first time she’s ever had anything rattling around in her head, so I think that is a good sign.

Considering I woke her up at 3:50 a.m. on Saturday (after an 11:00 p.m. bedtime) and had her at the airport by 5:00 a.m. and we’ve been going non-stop ever since then, I think she is holding up rather splendidly.

In 48 hours she went from Missouri to Kansas City, stayed briefly in Dallas, straight on to Mississippi, and finally ended up In Chicago, where…

We promptly put her, with the snots and all, into a loaded train so that we could go into the city. Is this bad parenting? Don’t answer, please.

She loved it. Every tunnel made her eyes grow ten times bigger than her actual eyeball sockets and she followed every single car on the highway with her little head bobbing back and forth. I figured she would throw up at some point or get dizzy and stop, but this never happened. She just smiled. I on the other hand… I felt like I had been blindfolded and spun around 10 times trying to keep up with her little bobbing head.

I don’t want to put too much pressure on her and create a perfectionist who feels like she is always slaving away only to realize that she is lacking (no, no, I’d much rather have a mediocre kid). But, she is perfect.

You can’t really take credit for a perfect baby. Just like you can’t take credit for pretty eyes or those amazing inherited family heirlooms known as thunder thighs or cleft chins or big ears. You don’t pick those things; they pick you.

So, take heart moms and dads of the world. From a mother who is royally failing by every book’s standard (my kid rubbed her hand on the subway seat rest and stuck it in her mouth before I could stop her and she has really only ever bathed in hotel bathrooms and she took her 40^th flight without a face mask this weekend and sometimes I give her formula bottles that are more than an hour old, and she has had more than 30 different sitters, and sometimes I forget to change her diaper…etc, etc.) you can’t really mess your kids up. Not in the beginning anyways. They either come out happy and perfect; cranky and high maintenance; quiet and uninterested, or some other mixture in between.

That my child is still thriving is a miracle. That she can stay in her stroller for three hours of shopping and eating, with a diaper change in a dressing room, followed by a 45 minute train ride in 35 degree temperatures and never shed one tear… but rather smile, laugh, and watch the world fly by her with wide-eye wonder is a testament to the strength of babies and seriously debunks the theories of best-selling baby experts.

Rather than live in guilt, I have decided to embrace my insane life and bring her with me for the ride. My pastor Jackie always says, “Jenny, what do you think they did with babies on the prairie or in the rice fields or wherever else women had to work manually in history?” Of course the answer is they strapped their babies on their bodies and the baby’s schedule was the mom’s schedule, not vice versa. And while I do not wish to live the same life as a rice patty picker or prairie woman, I am learning to value the sentiment that life doesn’t end with a baby, it simply becomes a little more complicated as you bring them with you into your world.

It’s a perpetual “bring your baby to work” day in this family and I kind of like it.

So…

You know how sometimes you forget to call someone back? Or you forget to write a thank you card? Or you feel some sort of guilt over something you should have done for someone else? And then, the more time that passes, the more guilty you feel, and the pressure weighs down on you about the call that you need to place. And then you think… after all this time??? I better have something incredibly kind or brilliant or witty or endearing or forgiving to say.

That’s how I’ve been feeling about my blog. After all this time and all I have for you is Annie has the snots...

Sure, I am out on the road and have not had many opportunities to write… but that is no excuse. I fell off the face of the earth. And the further I fell, the harder it was to crawl back out of the black hole of non-blogistence. What would I say? Why did I even write in the first place? Do I even have anything worth throwing out to the world? The more time that passed, the more I began relishing in the laziness of not having to think or speak or write… it was a vicious cycle.

But here I am missing you guys and missing the writing life and so I write to you from a cold Illinois evening to say hello and sorry for the almost three week break.

Nothing brilliant or deep or terribly funny… just a hello from your traveling friend.

Hello.

(and yes, I will get an updated amount for Katie posted asap... thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who have joined me in supporting our sweet friend and her ministry)

Katie

One Happy Family! Katie and her girls. God's girls.

Katie has a new daughter! Her 14th baby girl, Patricia. Welcome to the family little squirrel, you are so cute!

Now let's raise this family some money!!!

Donate Online

Amazima Ministries International
1694 Autumn Place
Brentwood, TN
37027

Now is the time friends!

I gotta say, part of me wants to be spiritual in this blog, but the other part is just screaming... "You Christians talk and pray and think and pray and talk so stinking much...aggghhhh... stop talking and just do something already."

So if that's all you needed to hear, then there's the address! Send a check to Amazima Ministries International or donate online right now. And while you're at it, invite your friends and family to do the same.

Now, for the rest of us who tend to talk and pray and think and do all that stuff (ad nasuem and often to the point that we miss the moments because we are complicating things too much), here's what I am thinking tonight:

This week we will flood the office and the online paypal account of Amazima Ministries with our money; our sacrifices. Lord, let it be a true sacrifice.

I could give a pep talk; but a picture speaks a thousand words doesn't it? I could try to encourage you; but the Holy Spirit doesn't need me. I am quite sure He already has the attention of your heart. I could try and guilt you into giving; but there is no guilt or shame in these little girl's faces. They now live in the economy of love and we are simply privileged to join alongside of them in this economy. Where there is love, there is no room for manipulation, guilt, or shame. I could give you statistics about orphans, AIDS, Africa, poverty, malnutrition, and the role of the Christian, as described in the Bible, to meet these challenges head on. I could quote a few more lines from Katie's blog or tell you about my own experience living with orphans in Romania and tell you how desperately these children need for us to care.

There are a lot of things I could use this space for tonight, but I won't. I don't need to.

I will simply tell you that I am grateful for each one of you and the way you have prayed about, wrestled with, and dug deep in your heart to figure out how you can be a part of Katie's journey. I truly believe that by walking alongside Katie, we are walking alongside God himself. By joining Katiewe are joining in the journey of these 14 beautiful girls, their lives, their future, and their legacy on this earth. By joining Katie we are joining in the care of an entire village worth of children and adults. We are empowering women, helping to educate this young generation of children, feeding the poor, caring for the orphans and being faithful to follow the nudging of the Holy Spirit.

We have seen a small glimpse of where God is working and now we are saying, "Yes, I want to join you. Use me. Send me. I will go. I will give. I will sacrifice. I will obey. I will joyfully follow you to this unknown place so that your children, your beloved children, will be cared for. Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me."

Whether you are in California, Maine, Brazil, England, Netherlands, Texas or somewhere in between... by joining Katie, you join a group of believers who are choosing to say, "Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me." It might be $5. It might be $50. $500. $5,000. Only you know that part. But by doing SOMETHING, today you join in living out the gospel that Jesus modeled here on earth. I trust it will not be the last time you act, the last time you join God in his work, or the only thing you will sacrifice. I know you have given before, you are committed to tithing to your church, your favorite charity, or some other cause... I know Katie was probably not a part of your plan, not a part of your budget... she wasn't apart of mine either.

But there she is. 14 kids and about 1200 hundred on the weekends. And they call her Auntie Katie. And she touches each one of them. And she nurses them back to health, drags them to school :) worships the same God with them, helps the ladies in the village learn a job skill, heals the sick (usually with a basic drop of Tylenol and a bite of chicken), cares for the orphans, and loves on the least of these. How can I not act?

I am praying tonight for an outpouring! That we would raise $6,000 and then some. I am praying for $10,000. I am praying that in a few weeks there would be a piece of land in Uganda sitting there, fully owned, waiting for a clinic to be built upon it. That there will be so much money flowing in that the clinic will be built, and chickens will be running wild around that place and it will be flowing with water and yummy, yummy protein!!!

I am praying our hearts will be moved. I am praying for generosity. Sacrificial living. Sacrificial giving. I am excited. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I cannot wait. Happy giving my friends!

More Details Please?

Your gift is tax deductible. Amazima is a 501 (c) (3) non profit and directly benefits Katie. The non-profit organization, Amazima, was built in response to the work that Katie is doing in Uganda.

If you are writing a check include "land" in the subject line so they will know exactly where you intend for it to go. It can be mailed to the address above.

If you are donating online, click on the link above. It will take you directly to a secure, pay-pal account set-up specifically for donations going to buy the piece of land.

If you arranged to give your money to me, I will be mailing it in a lump sum!

To the best of my knowledge, if you are wishing to contribute from somewhere outside of the United States, PayPal will gladly accept your credit/debit card.

In order to protect people's privacy, I am not collecting money personally, it is going straight to Katie's people... so, if you want to know how much we all collectively raised, then please leave a number in the comment field and I will try to come up with the best estimate possible! Even if you have already pledged a certain amount, please tell me again, officially! You can post it anonymously on the comment section.

Katie

One Happy Family! Katie and her girls. God's girls.

Katie has a new daughter! Her 14th baby girl, Patricia. Welcome to the family little squirrel, you are so cute!

Now let's raise this family some money!!!

Donate Online

Amazima Ministries International
1694 Autumn Place
Brentwood, TN
37027

Now is the time friends!

I gotta say, part of me wants to be spiritual in this blog, but the other part is just screaming... "You Christians talk and pray and think and pray and talk so stinking much...aggghhhh... stop talking and just do something already."

So if that's all you needed to hear, then there's the address! Send a check to Amazima Ministries International or donate online right now. And while you're at it, invite your friends and family to do the same.

Now, for the rest of us who tend to talk and pray and think and do all that stuff (ad nasuem and often to the point that we miss the moments because we are complicating things too much), here's what I am thinking tonight:

This week we will flood the office and the online paypal account of Amazima Ministries with our money; our sacrifices. Lord, let it be a true sacrifice.

I could give a pep talk; but a picture speaks a thousand words doesn't it? I could try to encourage you; but the Holy Spirit doesn't need me. I am quite sure He already has the attention of your heart. I could try and guilt you into giving; but there is no guilt or shame in these little girl's faces. They now live in the economy of love and we are simply privileged to join alongside of them in this economy. Where there is love, there is no room for manipulation, guilt, or shame. I could give you statistics about orphans, AIDS, Africa, poverty, malnutrition, and the role of the Christian, as described in the Bible, to meet these challenges head on. I could quote a few more lines from Katie's blog or tell you about my own experience living with orphans in Romania and tell you how desperately these children need for us to care.

There are a lot of things I could use this space for tonight, but I won't. I don't need to.

I will simply tell you that I am grateful for each one of you and the way you have prayed about, wrestled with, and dug deep in your heart to figure out how you can be a part of Katie's journey. I truly believe that by walking alongside Katie, we are walking alongside God himself. By joining Katie we are joining in the journey of these 14 beautiful girls, their lives, their future, and their legacy on this earth. By joining Katie we are joining in the care of an entire village worth of children and adults. We are empowering women, helping to educate this young generation of children, feeding the poor, caring for the orphans and being faithful to follow the nudging of the Holy Spirit.

We have seen a small glimpse of where God is working and now we are saying, "Yes, I want to join you. Use me. Send me. I will go. I will give. I will sacrifice. I will obey. I will joyfully follow you to this unknown place so that your children, your beloved children, will be cared for. Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me."

Whether you are in California, Maine, Brazil, England, Netherlands, Texas or somewhere in between... by joining Katie, you join a group of believers who are choosing to say, "Yes, Lord... Here am I, send me." It might be $5. It might be $50. $500. $5,000. Only you know that part. But by doing SOMETHING, today you join in living out the gospel that Jesus modeled here on earth. I trust it will not be the last time you act, the last time you join God in his work, or the only thing you will sacrifice. I know you have given before, you are committed to tithing to your church, your favorite charity, or some other cause... I know Katie was probably not a part of your plan, not a part of your budget... she wasn't apart of mine either.

But there she is. 14 kids and about 1200 hundred on the weekends. And they call her Auntie Katie. And she touches each one of them. And she nurses them back to health, drags them to school :) worships the same God with them, helps the ladies in the village learn a job skill, heals the sick (usually with a basic drop of Tylenol and a bite of chicken), cares for the orphans, and loves on the least of these. How can I not act?

I am praying tonight for an outpouring! That we would raise $6,000 and then some. I am praying for $10,000. I am praying that in a few weeks there would be a piece of land in Uganda sitting there, fully owned, waiting for a clinic to be built upon it. That there will be so much money flowing in that the clinic will be built, and chickens will be running wild around that place and it will be flowing with water and yummy, yummy protein!!!

I am praying our hearts will be moved. I am praying for generosity. Sacrificial living. Sacrificial giving. I am excited. I probably won't be able to sleep tonight. I cannot wait. Happy giving my friends!

More Details Please?

Your gift is tax deductible. Amazima is a 501 (c) (3) non profit and directly benefits Katie. The non-profit organization, Amazima, was built in response to the work that Katie is doing in Uganda.

If you are writing a check include "land" in the subject line so they will know exactly where you intend for it to go. It can be mailed to the address above.

If you are donating online, click on the link above. It will take you directly to a secure, pay-pal account set-up specifically for donations going to buy the piece of land.

If you arranged to give your money to me, I will be mailing it in a lump sum!

To the best of my knowledge, if you are wishing to contribute from somewhere outside of the United States, PayPal will gladly accept your credit/debit card.

In order to protect people's privacy, I am not collecting money personally, it is going straight to Katie's people... so, if you want to know how much we all collectively raised, then please leave a number in the comment field and I will try to come up with the best estimate possible! Even if you have already pledged a certain amount, please tell me again, officially! You can post it anonymously on the comment section.

Calamities

I have shingles.

Did you know that you could be 29 years old and get the shingles? Jeff diagnosed me. No offense to the doctors of the world, but with WebMD, we are not only musicians, we are highly skilled practitioners of medicine as well. My aunt is going to kill me for saying that.

Anyways, apparently shingles happen in older people, people with weakened immune systems, or people under "extreme duress." I think that last word is Latin for really stressed out.

So I got the classic shingles rash on my lower back. Then my ribs started aching. Then it hurt to put on my clothes. Then the rash moved to my stomach but stayed on the left hand side of my body. Then it felt like I had been stampeded by longhorn and wolves (wolves are fast so I imagine they hurt real bad once they run over you that fast). And now it just feels like I have the flu, the kind of flu where it hurts to put your clothes on flu. With my luck... probably swine flu.

If you keep up with the band you know that we have had, yet another, incredible streak of bad luck. The guys hit a huge oak tree that had fallen into the middle of a windy, twisty, 2-lane country road. It was midnight, after a show, and it was raining. When I saw the pictures and they showed me what part of the road it happened on, I felt sick. They were in two cars. The van, and the little car behind them. If the little car would have gone first, they would have been really, really hurt. Maybe worse. It was that bad.

So, a week before we start a tour with Sanctus Real the van is totaled and we have no way to make it to our 17 shows. Right now the bill for the van is at about $6,000 which insurance will cover most of; but the bill for renting another van is about $3,000. Our fans, friends, and family are helping raise money on the Addison Road website to get us back out on the road and continue doing our ministry and music. You can go to our website if you want to help out.

And I...

I am just laughing. I mean, what else can you do?

The weekend before our last big tour with Mercy Me and Jeremy Camp, the entire van and trailer were stolen! This time around they are totaled! I have shingles. Ryan blew his back out and has not been able to really walk all week. We have both been at doctors, limpin' around like we got no teeth and have lost our hearing. There is a call from a collection agency on Monday because somehow I missed one of Annie's hospital bills, that I swear I have never seen, and now we owe some really mean people in Ohio lots of money we didn't know about and now our credit will probably never recover and now we will have to live in a Winnebago down by the river...

I also missed an interview this past week. Not once. Not twice. But three times in a row with the same couple and I am pretty sure I have been officially blackballed in the state of New York. I'm sorry. That one maybe makes me feel a little more awful than the other things. To stand people up... on accident... but still, ugh, I hate being irresponsible.

And in the midst of all of this, all I can do is laugh. And then cry. And then cuss. And then lay in bed and eat ice cream. And then start the cycle all over again. I have said it previously, but it has just been a long, long month. I can usually take punches pretty well; but sometimes the other guy has to let you up for air before he continues.

So...

I did what I had to do. I called a counselor in town that only sees christian artists and their families and said, "I need help." They saw me right away. I asked my friends and church back home for prayer. Intense, "God, please help George Bailey," prayer. I went to the doctor for an official shingles diagnosis and got the medicine. And I made myself stop. One morning I just skipped a writing session and went and sat down with me, myself, and God and just got still. I decided to cancel writing sessions for the rest of the week. I took a nap or two. I held Annie more than usual. And I simply decided... I will value myself enough to take care of myself. If I am so stressed about money and the curve balls life is throwing us that I have the freakin shingles... there is a problem.

My life is too precious for such a waste of toxic energy.

So, in an effort to de-stress, to let go, to welcome in joy, to trust, I mean really TRUST that the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want... I am counting the quite small, beautiful moments tonight that shine bigger and scream louder than that other garbage.

*I had the most fun radio interview yesterday with Wally at Way FM Nashville; he makes me laugh. I love good DJ's. And there are a lot of them out there.

*The leaves are turning colors and people in Franklin, Tennessee have big pumpkins out everywhere. I love pumpkins.

*The people in Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend were amazing. Kind, hard working, and genuinely sincere. We met two great sisters, Natalee and Kimberly, who came to our hotel on Sunday to watch Annie for a few hours so we could go swimming. I love swimming. And I love good babysitters.

*My pastor and his wife are taking Ryan and I to see the Dallas Cowboys on Monday. Enough said. I love Monday Night football.

*Annie has learned how to roll off of her little mattress on the ground this week. She ends up in the bathroom or hallway before I find her and she looks like a little squirmy, dying cockroach. She cries like a dying cat and when I go and find her and tell her I am there, her eyes pop open. And she has the biggest, most beautiful grin on her face. Even at 3:00 a.m. when she has rolled out of her little room and down the hall... I swear she is an angel. I love that kid.

*Someone stuck up for me this week, which meant I didn't have to. Or at least didn't want to as badly. It always feels good to know someone loves you enough to say, "Hey, back off, nobody asked your opinion."

*In less than 24 hours people from all over the country and even Canada have almost sent the band enough money to help us rent a van so we can make it on tour next week. Some people send $5... and this means a lot to me. It means they have little, but they are still doing something, and to me, that is beautiful. I don't care how little it is; when God lays something on our hearts, whether it is Katie or your next door neighbor or the dude on the street corner... something is better than nothing. I believe God honors that. I love people who do something.

* I am completely in love with the band Need to Breathe. Their CD and their live show make me happy to be an artist.

The new Donald Miller book is out; it is getting so close to all the fun things fall; I am 28 1/2 years old and it is almost my birthday; an amazing girl who I have not even thanked yet wanted to do something sweet for me and is sending me to a spa to get my hair done by a real person (yay, yay, yay!!!! I CANNOT wait); Annie is going to spend the night with her grandparents this week so Ryan and I can have a break; in three nights I will be in my bed for the first time in a month; tons of people are raising money for sweet Katie and the orphans and malnourished children in her Ugandan village; God has given me humor, health, and renewal, sweet, desperate renewal; my parents are planning a big family trip to see my sister in Hawaii over Christmas; I am about to introduce my baby girl to my Mamaw and Grandparents and they will see with their own eyes their beautiful legacy and I will be able to tell them how grateful I am for the family they brought into this world... Cupcakes, Sprinkles, and Other Happy Things; my friends, good things abound every where.

Life is good. Well, not really. Really, life is not good. It is so hard right now. And I have cried every tear under the sun. But, thank you God that you make all things new. I run, yet I do not grow weary. Well, at least not weary enough to simply kill over and die.

I walk through the waters and rivers, but I do not drown. I get that water up my nose and it burns like I laughed to0 hard and sucked diet coke up my schnauzer; but I don't drown.

I go through the fire, but then, in the flames I look and see that there is someone else in the flames with me. And neither of us are burned or consumed.

For you, my gracious savior are with me. You are the Holy one. You know me. You call me by name. You have given things and sacrificed greatly so that, I, your child, may bring you and you alone glory in the midst of my suffering. So that you may be praised... you make streams in the desert and you make a way in the wasteland. Even if the stream is a pretty fall pumpkin or a little baby that inches herself around the house in her sleep like a dying cockroach. You bring beauty from my ashes and introduce joy into my suffering. You put a smile on my face when despair is fighting to win my attention. You put perspective in my heart when I am feeling overwhelmed. My own paraphrase of Isaiah 43.

And you faithfully, oh so faithfully, send people into my life that speak your words of hope over me at just the right moment (that moment is usually about two minutes before I sit all the guys down to tell them I am quitting to be a real mom, English teacher, and perhaps cheer leading coach who has her nights and weekends free. It is usually one moment before I say to God, "Thanks but no thanks. You got the wrong girl. And I got the wrong God. This sucks. I'm out." And it is usually a few moments after another blow...or before another blow... or during another blow... it is constant) He finds me and reminds me of His Holiness at just the right moment. He reminds me that He is neither dead nor fictional; He is the very breath that keeps me going and gives me reason to exist.

Your love is all consuming when the world seeks to consume me.

So tonight, I am grateful for simple, little, silk threads of hope and light that dangle in front of my eyes and whisper in my ears as I climb a mountain and trudge a valley that I have never been in before...

Oh but HE HAS. He has met me here. And he will meet you where you are too. In fact, I promise he has gone before you, made a way, and waits to welcome you upon arrival.

Maybe with a lei. That's what he would do in Hawaii.

Calamities

I have shingles.

Did you know that you could be 29 years old and get the shingles? Jeff diagnosed me. No offense to the doctors of the world, but with WebMD, we are not only musicians, we are highly skilled practitioners of medicine as well. My aunt is going to kill me for saying that.

Anyways, apparently shingles happen in older people, people with weakened immune systems, or people under "extreme duress." I think that last word is Latin for really stressed out.

So I got the classic shingles rash on my lower back. Then my ribs started aching. Then it hurt to put on my clothes. Then the rash moved to my stomach but stayed on the left hand side of my body. Then it felt like I had been stampeded by longhorn and wolves (wolves are fast so I imagine they hurt real bad once they run over you that fast). And now it just feels like I have the flu, the kind of flu where it hurts to put your clothes on flu. With my luck... probably swine flu.

If you keep up with the band you know that we have had, yet another, incredible streak of bad luck. The guys hit a huge oak tree that had fallen into the middle of a windy, twisty, 2-lane country road. It was midnight, after a show, and it was raining. When I saw the pictures and they showed me what part of the road it happened on, I felt sick. They were in two cars. The van, and the little car behind them. If the little car would have gone first, they would have been really, really hurt. Maybe worse. It was that bad.

So, a week before we start a tour with Sanctus Real the van is totaled and we have no way to make it to our 17 shows. Right now the bill for the van is at about $6,000 which insurance will cover most of; but the bill for renting another van is about $3,000. Our fans, friends, and family are helping raise money on the Addison Road website to get us back out on the road and continue doing our ministry and music. You can go to our website if you want to help out.

And I...

I am just laughing. I mean, what else can you do?

The weekend before our last big tour with Mercy Me and Jeremy Camp, the entire van and trailer were stolen! This time around they are totaled! I have shingles. Ryan blew his back out and has not been able to really walk all week. We have both been at doctors, limpin' around like we got no teeth and have lost our hearing. There is a call from a collection agency on Monday because somehow I missed one of Annie's hospital bills, that I swear I have never seen, and now we owe some really mean people in Ohio lots of money we didn't know about and now our credit will probably never recover and now we will have to live in a Winnebago down by the river...

I also missed an interview this past week. Not once. Not twice. But three times in a row with the same couple and I am pretty sure I have been officially blackballed in the state of New York. I'm sorry. That one maybe makes me feel a little more awful than the other things. To stand people up... on accident... but still, ugh, I hate being irresponsible.

And in the midst of all of this, all I can do is laugh. And then cry. And then cuss. And then lay in bed and eat ice cream. And then start the cycle all over again. I have said it previously, but it has just been a long, long month. I can usually take punches pretty well; but sometimes the other guy has to let you up for air before he continues.

So...

I did what I had to do. I called a counselor in town that only sees christian artists and their families and said, "I need help." They saw me right away. I asked my friends and church back home for prayer. Intense, "God, please help George Bailey," prayer. I went to the doctor for an official shingles diagnosis and got the medicine. And I made myself stop. One morning I just skipped a writing session and went and sat down with me, myself, and God and just got still. I decided to cancel writing sessions for the rest of the week. I took a nap or two. I held Annie more than usual. And I simply decided... I will value myself enough to take care of myself. If I am so stressed about money and the curve balls life is throwing us that I have the freakin shingles... there is a problem.

My life is too precious for such a waste of toxic energy.

So, in an effort to de-stress, to let go, to welcome in joy, to trust, I mean really TRUST that the Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want... I am counting the quite small, beautiful moments tonight that shine bigger and scream louder than that other garbage.

*I had the most fun radio interview yesterday with Wally at Way FM Nashville; he makes me laugh. I love good DJ's. And there are a lot of them out there.

*The leaves are turning colors and people in Franklin, Tennessee have big pumpkins out everywhere. I love pumpkins.

*The people in Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend were amazing. Kind, hard working, and genuinely sincere. We met two great sisters, Natalee and Kimberly, who came to our hotel on Sunday to watch Annie for a few hours so we could go swimming. I love swimming. And I love good babysitters.

*My pastor and his wife are taking Ryan and I to see the Dallas Cowboys on Monday. Enough said. I love Monday Night football.

*Annie has learned how to roll off of her little mattress on the ground this week. She ends up in the bathroom or hallway before I find her and she looks like a little squirmy, dying cockroach. She cries like a dying cat and when I go and find her and tell her I am there, her eyes pop open. And she has the biggest, most beautiful grin on her face. Even at 3:00 a.m. when she has rolled out of her little room and down the hall... I swear she is an angel. I love that kid.

*Someone stuck up for me this week, which meant I didn't have to. Or at least didn't want to as badly. It always feels good to know someone loves you enough to say, "Hey, back off, nobody asked your opinion."

*In less than 24 hours people from all over the country and even Canada have almost sent the band enough money to help us rent a van so we can make it on tour next week. Some people send $5... and this means a lot to me. It means they have little, but they are still doing something, and to me, that is beautiful. I don't care how little it is; when God lays something on our hearts, whether it is Katie or your next door neighbor or the dude on the street corner... something is better than nothing. I believe God honors that. I love people who do something.

* I am completely in love with the band Need to Breathe. Their CD and their live show make me happy to be an artist.

The new Donald Miller book is out; it is getting so close to all the fun things fall; I am 28 1/2 years old and it is almost my birthday; an amazing girl who I have not even thanked yet wanted to do something sweet for me and is sending me to a spa to get my hair done by a real person (yay, yay, yay!!!! I CANNOT wait); Annie is going to spend the night with her grandparents this week so Ryan and I can have a break; in three nights I will be in my bed for the first time in a month; tons of people are raising money for sweet Katie and the orphans and malnourished children in her Ugandan village; God has given me humor, health, and renewal, sweet, desperate renewal; my parents are planning a big family trip to see my sister in Hawaii over Christmas; I am about to introduce my baby girl to my Mamaw and Grandparents and they will see with their own eyes their beautiful legacy and I will be able to tell them how grateful I am for the family they brought into this world... Cupcakes, Sprinkles, and Other Happy Things; my friends, good things abound every where.

Life is good. Well, not really. Really, life is not good. It is so hard right now. And I have cried every tear under the sun. But, thank you God that you make all things new. I run, yet I do not grow weary. Well, at least not weary enough to simply kill over and die.

I walk through the waters and rivers, but I do not drown. I get that water up my nose and it burns like I laughed to0 hard and sucked diet coke up my schnauzer; but I don't drown.

I go through the fire, but then, in the flames I look and see that there is someone else in the flames with me. And neither of us are burned or consumed.

For you, my gracious savior are with me. You are the Holy one. You know me. You call me by name. You have given things and sacrificed greatly so that, I, your child, may bring you and you alone glory in the midst of my suffering. So that you may be praised... you make streams in the desert and you make a way in the wasteland. Even if the stream is a pretty fall pumpkin or a little baby that inches herself around the house in her sleep like a dying cockroach. You bring beauty from my ashes and introduce joy into my suffering. You put a smile on my face when despair is fighting to win my attention. You put perspective in my heart when I am feeling overwhelmed. My own paraphrase of Isaiah 43.

And you faithfully, oh so faithfully, send people into my life that speak your words of hope over me at just the right moment (that moment is usually about two minutes before I sit all the guys down to tell them I am quitting to be a real mom, English teacher, and perhaps cheer leading coach who has her nights and weekends free. It is usually one moment before I say to God, "Thanks but no thanks. You got the wrong girl. And I got the wrong God. This sucks. I'm out." And it is usually a few moments after another blow...or before another blow... or during another blow... it is constant) He finds me and reminds me of His Holiness at just the right moment. He reminds me that He is neither dead nor fictional; He is the very breath that keeps me going and gives me reason to exist.

Your love is all consuming when the world seeks to consume me.

So tonight, I am grateful for simple, little, silk threads of hope and light that dangle in front of my eyes and whisper in my ears as I climb a mountain and trudge a valley that I have never been in before...

Oh but HE HAS. He has met me here. And he will meet you where you are too. In fact, I promise he has gone before you, made a way, and waits to welcome you upon arrival.

Maybe with a lei. That's what he would do in Hawaii.